Like pinning down all that it hurts and hope it will just stay here on the cyber net.
Remembering only all the happy moments in my heart and mind...
Letting go of all the sadness and disappointment.
Past few mths was chaos, handling the death of our beloved ahpa wasn't easy.
21th April 2012
I rem vaguely that we rushed back to Melaka in the morning to see ahpa.
That day he already completed his opt, and was already in the 2nd day of recovering.
Thing still look hopeful and bright then... But by nightfall it started to change...
His lung started to fail him, his wound wasnt recovering, his colon was infected...
He was in pain, he couldn't breath... He was slipping in and out of sleep...
We started losing him slowly...
He was still alright in the noon, he couldn still talk and joke with us..
He even had the strength to wipe our tears for us...
I dont understand, how can one's health change so suddenly...
Its like a total opposite... How can this be happening to us?
Stay over in the hospital with the family for the next few nights... This is my first time staying overnight in a hospital not as a patient but as a family member of a patient... I dislike such feeling...
When night falls, and the visiting hours is over, with no walk in patients, lights off and hospital empty, there is a suddenly rush of loneliness and sadness...
The mind start to run wild with no control, and sleep doesnt come that easy during that point of time...
I could only try to listen to the machine's beeping sound from far and try my best to count with the beats till the first light...
His lung started to fail him badly, he couldnt breath on his own anymore... X-rays shows that his lung is infected and bloated with water, at such stage we need his own will and body to fight back...
It really pain us when the doctor change the breathing tube for him, from pumping oxygen from the nostril to inserting a tube straight down to his lung through his mouth... It was then we decided to let him go, we couldnt bear to watch him in pain, neither could we bear to let him go. Worst decision ever made in my life... Worst thing is trying to talk my ahma in to it... Without her support there is nothing we could do...
We decided to bring him home, we decided to follow his wish, he wants to go home, he wants to leave from home... He wants to see big bro... It was the only thing left that we can do for him... But... There is so many "buts", we were all so lost... But we knew this time round, it was our turn to make the decision... Gosh, after the decision, there were so many uncertainly within ourself... We get shaken so easily, every comments or suggestion from other affect us.. Coz, its about life and death... No one dare to make the final decision... No one but me... We talked, or rather I talked the doctor out of it. Let him understand the family decision, the feeling and also ahpa's wish...
Next we had to talk ahma into it, she was the key to everything, if she don't nod there is nothing we could do....
We brought him home on the night of 23rd April... We so so so much wanted to ride the ambulance with him... Really wanted to be by his side thru the whole process, but we couldnt as it will be packed with equipments.... We had no choice but to leave first, we went home to prepare, to wait for his return.... At that moment, i realized i have no control over my tears anymore, i have no control over my mind and body too... I lost grip of myself, of everything... Biggest mistake was to let everything in, and everything out... It was chaos at home... Family members and good friends gathered, all with teary eyes and runny nose... They started saying words like, "dont be sad, let him go in peace" etc etc etc.. In actual fact i find all those words bullshit! Seriously bullshit... How can u not be sad when u know life is coming to an end for ur kin? How can one be happy about it? How were they able to say such stuffs?
Anyway, ahpa left peacefully, no struggles like what the doctor said, it was a fast process, i guess he didnt want us to feel too upset... Doctors expected him to be in more pain and struggles when he was home, when all the life support machine was remove, doctors said he might struggle for air and have fits for an hour or so, hence we were mentally prepared, but it didnt happen... After all the machines were removed, he just drift to sleep slowly... No pain no struggles... Its kind of good for both him and the family... Well, at the moment, the reality stroked everyone, family members and friends started to break down, it was crazy seriously, mourning everywhere in the house... I couldnt even find a quiet and peacefully place to sit down and let the news sink in... ahma and sis was close to fainting, aunties were crying like mad, good friends of ahpa was cursing and scolding, and me, i was lost... I wasnt crying, i wasnt cursing and scolding, i was just lost... Really very lost...
The rest of the days went by, like a breeze, so fast, and we had to really bid good bye to him....
There tears and laughter, especially during the nights, as we shared among ourself precious memories of ahpa... Laughter for all the silly acts, and tears for realizing it wont happen anymore...
Last day of the funeral was terrible, ahma broke down completely, she lost grip of everything, herself control, her tears... She just broke down... And when she did, it triggered everyone's emotions... And well, everyone started crying, mourning, cursing and scolding again... sighs...
This marks an end for you, Mr Lee Kia Yee at the age of 64... You lived your life to the fullest you could, within your mean... You devoted your life to the Lee's family, you were a great son, brother, father, grandfather, husband and friends... You made an impact in people life, no matter how small the impact were, dont worry, u did.. And we will always remember you... Your tender love and care, your silly jokes and action... your everything.... I hope you are now freed of all the pains and suffering and enjoy your other part of life in another world...
Ahpa, I so so so much wanted and wished you will be there to attend my grad day... i knw that you wanted to come so badly too... but i didnt dare to put pressure on you, but it was on ur mind all the while, calling me almost everyday to ask about my grad day, what time, where, what attire etc etc... One right decision i made was to go back school to study, to make you feel proud, to let you be able to "show-off" to your friends... Even when you were on the hospital bed, the first thing u asked me was 'when is the grad day?" and "i will try to recover and attend". Im glad, im on ur mind at that point of time.. Even we all know you are biases, you always side big bro, everything is about him, but you still love all of us... and i love you too.. And even when you were in great pain you kept to yourself, you tried to protect us from pain even thot you were in great deal of pain... But the stronger you act, the more pain it is for us to see you... Tears were flowing like opened tap... And you would still use ur last strength to help us wipe the tears, and find the will to speak even when you are in tubes and wires... You told us not to cry, you said when you see us cries, u will cry too... You said this was the only chance you can help us wipe the tears already... And that we are no longer kids, its time for us to carry the burden...
Im knda of lost right now, you can see from the word usage and typing, its all over the place, abit here and there.. Im sorry, coz when i was recalling and typing it, there were so much information and details... So well, pardon me... And somehow i wish he were still use.. So you will see abit of present-tense instead of past-tense.. Kinda of wordy right, but this was just part of it only... There is so much more to write, but i could find the right word to pin it down... and some of the feeling and memories just can't be pin down like this...
RIP, ah pa... We love you... Always have, and always will.. Always here, and always there...
Next we had to talk ahma into it, she was the key to everything, if she don't nod there is nothing we could do....
We brought him home on the night of 23rd April... We so so so much wanted to ride the ambulance with him... Really wanted to be by his side thru the whole process, but we couldnt as it will be packed with equipments.... We had no choice but to leave first, we went home to prepare, to wait for his return.... At that moment, i realized i have no control over my tears anymore, i have no control over my mind and body too... I lost grip of myself, of everything... Biggest mistake was to let everything in, and everything out... It was chaos at home... Family members and good friends gathered, all with teary eyes and runny nose... They started saying words like, "dont be sad, let him go in peace" etc etc etc.. In actual fact i find all those words bullshit! Seriously bullshit... How can u not be sad when u know life is coming to an end for ur kin? How can one be happy about it? How were they able to say such stuffs?
Anyway, ahpa left peacefully, no struggles like what the doctor said, it was a fast process, i guess he didnt want us to feel too upset... Doctors expected him to be in more pain and struggles when he was home, when all the life support machine was remove, doctors said he might struggle for air and have fits for an hour or so, hence we were mentally prepared, but it didnt happen... After all the machines were removed, he just drift to sleep slowly... No pain no struggles... Its kind of good for both him and the family... Well, at the moment, the reality stroked everyone, family members and friends started to break down, it was crazy seriously, mourning everywhere in the house... I couldnt even find a quiet and peacefully place to sit down and let the news sink in... ahma and sis was close to fainting, aunties were crying like mad, good friends of ahpa was cursing and scolding, and me, i was lost... I wasnt crying, i wasnt cursing and scolding, i was just lost... Really very lost...
The rest of the days went by, like a breeze, so fast, and we had to really bid good bye to him....
There tears and laughter, especially during the nights, as we shared among ourself precious memories of ahpa... Laughter for all the silly acts, and tears for realizing it wont happen anymore...
Last day of the funeral was terrible, ahma broke down completely, she lost grip of everything, herself control, her tears... She just broke down... And when she did, it triggered everyone's emotions... And well, everyone started crying, mourning, cursing and scolding again... sighs...
This marks an end for you, Mr Lee Kia Yee at the age of 64... You lived your life to the fullest you could, within your mean... You devoted your life to the Lee's family, you were a great son, brother, father, grandfather, husband and friends... You made an impact in people life, no matter how small the impact were, dont worry, u did.. And we will always remember you... Your tender love and care, your silly jokes and action... your everything.... I hope you are now freed of all the pains and suffering and enjoy your other part of life in another world...
Ahpa, I so so so much wanted and wished you will be there to attend my grad day... i knw that you wanted to come so badly too... but i didnt dare to put pressure on you, but it was on ur mind all the while, calling me almost everyday to ask about my grad day, what time, where, what attire etc etc... One right decision i made was to go back school to study, to make you feel proud, to let you be able to "show-off" to your friends... Even when you were on the hospital bed, the first thing u asked me was 'when is the grad day?" and "i will try to recover and attend". Im glad, im on ur mind at that point of time.. Even we all know you are biases, you always side big bro, everything is about him, but you still love all of us... and i love you too.. And even when you were in great pain you kept to yourself, you tried to protect us from pain even thot you were in great deal of pain... But the stronger you act, the more pain it is for us to see you... Tears were flowing like opened tap... And you would still use ur last strength to help us wipe the tears, and find the will to speak even when you are in tubes and wires... You told us not to cry, you said when you see us cries, u will cry too... You said this was the only chance you can help us wipe the tears already... And that we are no longer kids, its time for us to carry the burden...
Im knda of lost right now, you can see from the word usage and typing, its all over the place, abit here and there.. Im sorry, coz when i was recalling and typing it, there were so much information and details... So well, pardon me... And somehow i wish he were still use.. So you will see abit of present-tense instead of past-tense.. Kinda of wordy right, but this was just part of it only... There is so much more to write, but i could find the right word to pin it down... and some of the feeling and memories just can't be pin down like this...
RIP, ah pa... We love you... Always have, and always will.. Always here, and always there...
